WARNING: Deep, Sappy post... Skip if you don't have it in you

I'm in such a strange place lately. Just when you think you're getting to understand yourself, your cycles, your ups and downs, just when you think you know your poisons and remedies, life happens. I feel like I'm just meeting me for the first time... again.

Hear me out on this, and I don't want this to come across like a warning signal that I need a huge outreach, everything's okay. Great really. I just don't know my next move and that's a very uncomfortable place for me.

Do you ever get the feeling that something is about to change? It usually occurs just as you're settling in to your latest adjustment. Well, I've got that feeling and in a way I'm so excited for what I'm about to learn in the upcoming trials; I know they're coming, they always do. And boy do I need them. Yes, I just said, boy do I need trials. I love them. I love being humbled, is that weird? I love being GRATEFUL for every breath I take, it's the only time I don't find myself wanting for more than what I've got, and I haven't really been there for a few months. I just feel like I'm ready to grow up a little more and that usually happens through trials.

Here it is, you know how during conversations people will throw out their random character flaws and weaknesses just for a laugh, like, "Man, I'm such a brat, I don't know how people live with me. ha ha ha." Or, "I know I'm loud, that's just me so deal with it." I have definitely offered my fair share of these claims that seem to somehow excuse the flaw. Well, I think I'm tired of that. I don't find it reasonable at all that those weaknesses should be excused, especially when I'm aware of them and flaunting them. I for sure have many MANY character flaws and some more than others have really been sticking out to me lately. So I guess you could say I'm commencing on a quest to overcome.

Let's get personal here, because any unspecified person may read this at any unspecified time... sounds like the perfect situation to poor my heart out right? Let's talk about how much compassion I DON'T have. This is one of those that I have joked about. I just don't get it. I don't understand the concept of compassion. How does someone acquire it? How do you come to understand and love someone else so much that you feel their joys and sorrows as if you were inside their bodies with them? How do you give it so freely? Or is it meant to be reserved, does it have to be earned, is it an elevated kind of love? Because don't get me wrong, I feel like I have a capacity to love others, I just don't care about everyone.

Hmmmmm. That last statement takes me right into my next flaw. How do you articulate yourself as to not offend others or come across as being heartless? I have a tendancy to just say it, whatever it is, and I can't tell you how often I've had to have my foot surgically removed from my throat. I'm terrible! How do you consider how anyone within earshot will react to what you're about to say before you even say it? I can't think that fast! Some of you are so good at being considerate, and I'm sure it comes so naturally that you wouldn't even think of it as a gift or talent, but as I sit back and observe that it doesn't come naturally to me, I think it's definitely a gift!

I guess I'm worried that these flaws, if not manicured will fail my friendships, and my friendships are my lifeline! Maybe I don't love the surroundings here, but I love the people who surround me. If I were half the woman that these women here are I could blink myself a golden ticket into heaven, but I have so far to go, I have so much to learn from them (you)! I think that's why the Lord put me here.

Anyway, I guess this should have been a journal entry instead of a blog post, but what's done is done. There's really no need for any phonecalls or extra emails, or even comments if you don't want. I think only five people read my blog anyway. I guess this could be considered a blog soliloquy. Lord, grant me the humility I need to grow.